I’m not a Mitt Romney fan. My personal opinion is that he’s an opportunistic political hack, a presidential candidate / dilettante, and fortunately, he’s aligned with the GOP side of the aisle. The former quasi-liberal / pragmatist GOP governor of Massachusetts has jumped the shark several times in the past 6 months, in his quixotic quest to court the fringe fundie wing of the Republican Party. It ain’t workin’.

The political blindness of people like Romney astounds me. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that he stands no chance of nabbing the GOP fringe fundie vote, regardless of his demonizing of same sex marriage and his adoption of a fundamentalist anti-abortion plank. Romney’s campaign platform is simply false for someone coming from the Northeastern U.S. There is no way that Romney could have politically survived in Massachusetts had he (while in office) espoused the values that he’s trying to rewrite for himself now that he’s a declared candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

Since the time that he announced, Mitt has had what can charitably be called a “Mormon problem” within the fringe fundie wing of the GOP. Romney is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. And as much as he’d like to pull a Peter the Apostle act and deny his Mormon roots, at this moment in political history, he can’t.

(And don’t give me the JFK and Catholic bullshit, either, when discussing Romney’s chances based on his religion. There is simply no comparison in terms of sheer numbers of adherents in the two religions. Mormonism, whatever its merits, will always be perceived by fundamentalist Protestants and mainstream Catholics (and even orthodox Jews) as a cult. Mitt might as well be a Scientologist or Raelian. The overall perception is the same.)

Still, it bothers me when stories like this one hit the wire:

While Mitt Romney condemns polygamy and its prior practice by his Mormon church, the Republican presidential candidate’s great-grandfather had five wives and at least one of his great-great grandfathers had 12.

Polygamy was not just a historical footnote, but a prominent element in the family tree of the former Massachusetts governor now seeking to become the first Mormon president…

Let’s stipulate, right from the outset, that Mitt Romney is not a polygamist. He’s been married to his only wife (of 37 years) much longer than a vast majority of conservative, fundamentalist Christian white men. Mitt’s commitment to his wife and family are much more prominent than that of Newt, Rudy, or St. McCain. So why does it become news that, way back in Romney’s familial woodshed, there were indeed some polygamists in the family tree?

Easy. Because it’s tawdry, titillating, and easy to write about. There’s an implied sexual component to the story (forbidden fruit, etc. etc.). But most importantly, if you think for one moment that some intrepid reporter dug up the facts all on his / her own, you’d probably be wrong. Almost as surely as there’s multiple wives in each branch of the Romney family tree, there’s a GOP surrogate (with a fundie tie-in) going after Romney and planting stories like this in the media. I can almost guarantee it.

Well, Mitt, I don’t feel a bit sorry for ya. You asked for it. Before this campaign is done (providing you survive until Iowa and New Hampshire), the only thing that might be unknown about you is your penis size and shape. Maybe that won’t even stay secret, because there’s just something about them damn Mormons [/channeling fundi-ism]. Look out for cameras and/or prying eyes near the urinals you use on the campaign trail. And what is it about that unusual Mormon underwear thing? Inquiring GOP minds will want to know if you’re wearing boxers, briefs, or Temple garments (and why).

Mitt Romney’s candidacy points out one political article of faith that no one will ever talk about once a candidate gets candidacy in his / her head: viability. The consultants who want a piece of a candidate’s campaign business will do nothing to discourage a potential candidacy. After all, it’s money in the bank. So, when a candidate launches an exploratory committee search, everyone is blowing smoke up the candidate’s ass, how great the candidate is, and how strong he/she will poll in [insert pet demographic here].

Now that the 2008 GOP presidential candidate field is clarifying a bit, it’s time for the internal swiftboating to start. Romney’s just the first, because he’s a relatively easy target. After Romney is picked off (I really don’t see him dragging this out past Independence Day), the fundie gunslingers will start aiming for Rudy - another effete Northeastern liberal. Mark my words. And Rudy won’t be around after Labor Day. He’s got too many past pussy problems. There’s nothing that will sink a Republican faster than too much pussy - except religious blasphemy, which is why Mitt goes before Rudy.

At this point, it’s kinda hard to figure out who the fringe fundie cult is going endorse. The smart money is on Sam Brownback. But then, I’m sure that some disaffected wing of the fringe fundie cult has something tawdry to spring on Brownback at an inopportune moment in the future.

E tu, brute? Clearly, the political Ides of March are almost upon us - 12 months early.