Top 10 Ways To Identify An Evangelical Republican
Now that Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee have defined faith for us, the following is my offering to assist voters in determining how to qualify for entry into the GOP’s evangelical enclave.
In the aftermath of a week of bully pulpit ballyhoo from the GOP presidential candidates, I decided to address my disdain in the only manner which would allow me to stomach the subject…sarcasm.
Having watched Mitt Romney tell us the meaning of faith in America and listened to Mike Huckabee toss tactical banana peels at the Bostonian’s (former Massachusetts liberal) forever flip-flopping feet, I found myself wondering which candidate would soon be sporting a wooden cross on his shoulder for the duration of the campaign.
Fortunately, there may well be a silver lining hidden in these holier than thou hijinks. By the time the GOP is done vetting it’s candidates, the average fair minded American may find them to be far too extreme and far too beholding to their religious right-ocrites. We’ve all heard the expression “if you live by the sword, you die by the sword”…well…2008 may provide a worthy successor, “if you live by the lord, you die by the lord”…especially when you spend all of your time fighting about which lord to worship.
Moving on, the following is my offering to assist voters in determining if they qualify for entry into the GOP’s evangelical enclave. Feel free to offer additional requirements and restrictions. I would hate to be accused of an act of omission…I’ve heard the punishment is ghastly…if you’re not George Bush or an acceptable affiliate.
The Top Ten Ways To Identify An Evangelical Republican:
Number Ten:
They’re opposed to sectarian conflict in Iraq but in favor of sectarian politics in the United States.
Number Nine:
They’re opposed to homosexuality and same-sex relationships but they’ll vote for a presidential candidate who does drag and lived with two gay men if he can beat Hillary Clinton and her “typically” unfaithful heterosexual husband.
Number Eight:
They wouldn’t dare vote for a Clinton given Bill’s disgraceful sexual antics in the White House but they’re happy to support a candidate who used New York City funds to carry on an adulterous affair.
Number Seven:
They criticize Democratic candidates for suggesting they would only nominate pro-choice judges to uphold the law of the land while they require their own candidates to pass religious litmus tests in conflict with the law of the land.
Number Six:
They’re in favor of abstinence only sex education even if it leads to more unwed teen pregnancies and more parent sponsored abortions (call it the evangelical version of NIMBY - not in my back yard; NIMBU - not in my babygirls uterus).
Number Five:
They’re in favor of the separation of church and state if it involves opposing a congressional inquiry into the fundraising and spending habits of leading televangelists but opposed to the separation when it comes to selecting a presidential nominee.
Number Four:
They support candidates who endorse more funding for AIDS in Africa while embracing a candidate who favored quarantining AIDS patients in America as well as having Hollywood fund AIDS research instead of the government.
Number Three:
They tout Ronald Reagan as their political icon despite the fact that he was unable to acknowledge the toll of HIV on gays in America or even utter the word AIDS…while they and their church’s now run around talking about saving Africa from the ravages of HIV…as long as it doesn’t involve condoms.
Number Two:
They talk about their Christian values while they favor denying health care treatment to the children of illegal immigrants. Family values apparently stop at the waters edge (that would be the Rio Grande river).
Number One:
They’ll never make enough money to truly benefit from George Bush’s tax cuts for the rich or condemn his doubling of the national debt but they’re happy to call the Democratic candidates who supported an increase in minimum wage and favor a national health care system unacceptable tax and spend liberals.
Bonus Qualifier:
They abhor the fact that Jesus was tortured, mocked, and condemned to death without due process but they’re damn sure in favor of waterboarding and disregarding the principle of habeas corpus while indefinitely imprisoning war on terror detainees.
The following video clips provide Mike Huckabee’s assertion that his surge is God’s work (therefore proving Mitt Romney is a “Christian” imposter) and some candid discussion of Romney’s faith speech (a speech that pales in comparison to the JFK speech).
Huckabee: Higher Power Responsible For His Surge
CNN Discussion On Romney’s “Faith” Speech & The GOP Religious Test
Hey Daniel:
Many of your comments have a kernel of truth in them, but I take exception to your use of the term “Evangelical” Republican. Neither Mike Huckabee nor any candidate speaks for all Evangelicals. It should be known, that even though it’s not reported by the MSM, there are many Evangelicals who support Ron Paul and many who will support a Democrat if the Republicans don’t start understanding the Christian concept of a “Just War.”
Many of the Evangelicals I know are so turned off by all politicians that many will be AWOL this time around. It’s a shame that there are some who think Jesus would be encouraging a “Christian Political Movement” when Jesus himself repeatedly pointed out the supremacy of living the truth, not legalistically legislating it for others. It is embarrassing to many of us when these “Christian Leaders” wear their Christianity on their sleeves, more of a marketing plan than a plan for living.
A near perfect example of living you faith instead of wearing it on your sleeve, though he would never say this or probably agree, is Ron Paul. He’s humble. He’s not flashy. There will be no IRS investigation about Rolls Royces or big mansions in hos possession–he’s just living his faith as he sees it should be lived out–serving others in Congress for 20 years, delivering 4,000 babies, voting his conscience consistently–doing what he believes is the right thing to do.
Peace.
Nick,
I have no problem with your objection as I obviously realize that my list does not or could not speak definitively about all evangelicals. Regardless, if one looks at the contortions being made to support “flawed” candidates and the amazing rise of Mike Huckabee to a commanding lead in Iowa, one is apt to conclude that many evangelicals act in lockstep without regard for nuance and complexity (the actual state of our human existence).
The fact that you take exception to my black and white caricature of evangelicals ought to remind evangelicals (and others) to forego similar efforts and actions to characterize other societal groups…many of which I have mentioned in my posting.
You see, I’ve merely pointed out that hypocrisy often accompanies any absolute belief system because they frequently ignore the inconsistencies contained within as they become enamored with their own “rightness”.
Seems I recall something someone of note said about “judge not lest ye be judged”…but then again…I’m not prone to literal interpretations or applications.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Regards,
Daniel
nick - i have a standard response to any christians/evangelicals who respond with the “it’s not all evangelicals” line. it is YOUR responsibility to get out there and fight the people who have perverted the principles of christianity, not mine or daniel’s or any other perhaps “non-believing” blogger or politician or any other citizen. why aren’t all you non-crazy radical right wingnuts out there fighting for your rights against the people who have hijacked your religion? voting for ron paul is not enough. if you’re not out there as loud as them, you are complicit.