Pat Boone’s Head Explodes
Pat Boone is as fine an American icon as are poodle skirts and beehives. Some whack jobs are mourning his death from a freak head explosion, evidently caused by a column in which Boone compared those protesting about the passage of Proposition 8 to the Mumbai terrorists. Thus ends today’s adventure in whackjobbery, with a bang.
Third Rate singer, has been television star, the man who put the white bread in R & B. . . Pat Boone is many things. At 74 years old he still performs, and even headlined a couple John McCain events. No word on whether he wore his trademark white bucks. Lately Pat Boone has been trying to make his way as an opinion writer of the conservative school, when he is not giving concerts to former teenyboppers now in walkers rather than poodle skirts. Alas, he has been showing some signs of severe mental illness in his political columns, and it can now be reported that Pat Boone has suffered from advanced dementia for a while, culminating yesterday in his head exploding.
*moment of silence*
Oh, that’s better. Now where was I? Pat Boone has written a few columns for WingNutDaily over the years. (Evidently WingNutDaily will accept anyone to write for them.) Pat Boone’s is a case of severely arrested development (Boone’s web site), complicated by some extreme right wing Christianity. The man is the embodiment of the stunted and ugly political landscape of the 50’s, a time that pretended to be warm and infused with good family values, only to disguise an ugly racial record. Some say Boone himself is part of that ugly racial record, but I’ll leave that for music historians. This is about Pat Boone’s desperate longing for those 50’s, how it infects his writing at WingNutDaily, and how it has made of Pat Boone a walking drool machine, at least until his head exploded.
Women used to drool over Pat Boone, but if you read his columns in WingNutDaily, you can imagine the man mumbling and drooling, shuffling down the hall in white bucks. But, hey, maybe he was crazy all along — there are stories out there of him claiming to witness a prophesy about Ronald Reagan winning the Presidency, and while, sure, Reagan did become President, that doesn’t make thinking you’ve witnessed divine prophesy an example of sanity. He shows his extreme politics and flirts with insanity in his WingNutDaily columns, such as the one in 2006 where he claimed liberals were not patriots, or the one later in that year where he defended Mel Gibson’s drunken anti-semitic rants. But that’s run of the mill whackjobbiness you can find every day on WingNutDaily. Yesterday topped himself in whackjobbery. He claimed that the protesters who are upset about Proposition 8 are the same as the terrorists who killed over 170 people in Mumbai. Then his head exploded.
There are theories as to why Boone’s head exploded. some on the liberal side, such as myself, think it was just so full of crap that it spontaneously combusted. (There’s an idea for a new energy source somewhere in there.) Others, of the whack job conspiracy theorist persuasion, and they are probably also angling to take over Boone’s WingNutDaily column, are proposing linkages between the CIA, and the Islamic terroists responsible for the Mumbai bombings — the theory being that the Mumbai bombers, and their handlers, the CIA, are upset at Boone stealing their thunder.
WingNuts everywhere are likely to mourn Pat Boone and his exploding head today, and well they should. But they should be warned that WingNutDaily is hiding the fact that Pat Boone’s head has exploded. Go check out their web site and you will see zero stories ont eh subject. Doesn’t that prove they’re hiding it? I’ve got it on reliable authority that WingNutDaily has pulled a coup and has hired Ed Anger away from the towering journalistic icon Weekly World News. Anger will be ghostwriting Boone’s columns in the future, if he has not already.
For the record, I have instructed my wife to put the following on my tombstone, when that time eventually comes: “He never listened to Pat Boone.”
Another Ronald Raygun type.
Flag. mom and apple pie - meanwhile people are suffering - some because on his support of people like GWB and some because of his sappy recordings,
I’m suffering just thinking of that period where he tried to do heavy metal.
What on earth is going on inside the heads of these alleged religious Christian types? Do they pay attention to what their Bible tells them about the life of Jesus, you know, the man they publicly profess to love and serve? Seems like I’ve been warped into some topsy-turvy universe where conventional logic no longer applies, up is down, a lie is not a lie, and George W. Bush is a fine Christian gentleman placed in a position of power by God.
Checked out Pat’s website when I finished this article. He’s singing Elvis Costello’s “Tears of a Clown” as a kind of sound track for the site. It was pretty rough.
In retrospect it’s too bad I don’t know Joe Satriani’s laywer’s phone number. I’d pass it along post haste before Pat does anymore damage (dig the horns and that gospel backbeat!)
So Pat Boone tells an outrageous lie. That just makes him wacko fundi republican.
i know old Pat Boone from the 60s. Oh yeah, if this good christian hadn’t covered so many songs, including two written by and expected to be sung by my uncle, my family would probably be rich. You’ve lived a good life Pat. Too bad for us, you made it off of our backs. With you white shoes wearing self.
Speaking of Pat Boone and the racist 50’s……what about all the black artists who’s work this super Christian covered, and never paid for? Boon is the lifing definition of hypocrite.