Three Christian Whack Job Attacks and a Poet

Sometimes one is just inundated with whackjobbery, each story of which could be a bottomless well of snark. Here we have three Christian whack jobs, engaged in active whackjobbery, and a fine poet who works at FauxNews.

Commentary By: Steven Reynolds

First up is Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL). He’™s decided that there is no Global warming, because God promised us he wouldn’™t destroy the earth again. Nope, not even pretending to be scientific. Here’™s the video. God promised us, so it must be true. Not like he’™s saying the planet needs even more carbon dioxide, not at all. Ooops, that, too. And here’™s that article. Shimkus must be trying out for a talking head spot on FauxNews or something.

Then there’™s the Catholic Priest with his panties in a wad about a statue of a woman pirate. Yo ho ho! She’™s got a bit of cleavage there, and Father Edward Commoly thinks this is immoral, soft porn, and enough so he should curse bless them, each and every boobs! I’™m thinking the guy is a bit bitter and needs to console himself with something other than a campaign against a legitimate local business. Here’™s the article.

Pam Spaulding has a story about how Oklahoma legislators, mostly, but sadly not all, Republican, are all up in arms because the University of Oklahoma invited an expert on evolution to speak on campus. Yeah, they’™ve got a problem with real science at a university. All hail David Boren for defending academic freedom and, well, truth. The Oklahoma legislators in question probably know that their constituents are so stupid that they will be rewarded with another term for opposing real science. The article is at Pam’™s House Blend.

The noted poet is Glenn Beck of FauxNews, who’™d better watch out or John Shimkus will get his job. There is in fact competition out there to see who the whackjobiest of whack jobs is. Beck shouldn’™t sit on his ass, laurels or whatever. Salon has several examples of Beck’™s poetry, taken verbatim from his broadcasts. Please, go read the Glenn Beck Poetry Collection at Salon, but I’™ll put my favorite here:


Somebody said let’™s make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store

And somebody else said, that’™s a stupid idea; nobody’™s going to want meatballs at the furniture store.

And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.

And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs

And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?

And they’™re like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.

Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman

A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it

And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I’™m not really sure

But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs

And he has to put them on a huge plate

Because he has to get rid of them.

Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say

That was the dumbest thing I’™ve ever heard.

And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs

Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,

Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around

And you’™ll have an hour worth of eating meatballs

And that’™s what happened.

(‘The Glenn Beck Program,’ Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 21, 2007)

It’™s Tuesday. Is that the day all the religious whack jobs come out? Does Beck fit in with them?

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 by Richard Blair |

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