Orrin Hatch spoke yesterday about the possible nominee Barack Obama will put forward to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. He said Barack Obama speaks in “code,” in that Barack Obama’s seeking a Justice who has empathy for everyday people is “code” for wanting a liberal who will legislate fromt he bench. As is noted at Firedoglake, that sort of begs the question of whether conservatives have empathy at all, and certainly whether Hatch thinks empathy is a good quality. Be that as it may, it seems to me that Orrin Hatch himself has been talking in a complex “code” during his nearly 33 years in the Senate, and it behooves us to examine that code to figure out what makes the old dog tick.

Trying to decode Hatch’s speech is a daunting task, and not just concerning his roles in controversial SCOTUS nominations. But I’m here to try. I’ll not limit myself to Orrin Hatch’s roles in SCOTUS nominations, but the first quote I find that needs decoding is from the Clarence Thomas hearings. From Time Magazine:

“There seems to be an alien pubic hair in my gin.”

Some may excuse Hatch for this obscure statement, but he was actually quoting from his favorite movie, The Exorcist. You see, Orrin Hatch is fascinated by aliens, and has a secret theory that Jesus Christ, or the Angel Moroni, is actually an alien. “Gin” is code for “special underwear” in this quote, and the whole thing was the beginning of a theological discussion about whether such divine folks as Jesus or Moroni actually have their hair fall out. We mortals have hair that falls out. Would an immortal and perfect being have hair that fals out, and would said hair be trapped in their special underwear? I’m told this is not a theological debate central to any religion, but Orrin Hatch is not bound by the debate topics of others, even on the floor of the US Senate.

Here’s a recent quote about the closing of the infamous detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, from Salon:

Bringing these detainees to the continental United States is tantamount to injecting a virus into a healthy body.

In this instance Orrin Hatch has gotten secret messages from the future about the recent outbreak of swine Glenn Beck flu. Hatch cannot reveal the source of those messages, but dearly wants to warn the American people, so he uses “code.” In this case, “Guantanamo” stands for “Mexico.” Hey, this decoding is getting easier, isn’t it?

Orrin Hatch is nothing if not a commentator on all issues important to the American people. Here he is from 2006 discussing the War in Afghanistan, also from Salon:

“You don’t hear much about Afghanistan,” Hatch said in praising Rumsfeld Wednesday. “We certainly won that war.”

As we all know, including Senator Hatch, the War in Afghanistan was not looking so good at that time, with more and more vilence being attributed to a resurgent Taliban, which is now threatening people in both Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan. Hatch’s words are actually “code” for his call to dress Donald Rumsfeld in full Bhurka and drop him in to infiltrate the Taliban. Claiming we had won the War in Afghanistan was Orrin Hatch’s way of lulling the Taliban to sleep so that when the insertion of Rumsfeld happens, they wouldn’t recognize that Rumsfeld not only couldn’t speak any of the languages spoken by Taliban members, but also is not a woman. Orrin Hatch is nothing if not a patriotic American who wishes to defend us from Islamofascists, and also defend Donald Rumsfeld, who finds life in a Bhurka preferable to being tried for war crimes.

Finally, there’s a difficult bit of decoding needing to be done on some words from Orrin Hatch from the 2003 hearing to confirm John Roberts appointment to the bench. Also from Salon:

In the middle of a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing back then, Hatch came unglued on Sen. Chuck Schumer and accused him of asking “dumbass questions” of the nominee.

“Dumbass questions,” eh? This is difficult, as it appears to have no sly debating subtext or any religious foundation, but when one comes to understand that Charles Schumer, the Democratic Senator, is actually an alien who may or may not have pubic hairs in his “gin,” then Orrin Hatch’s comment becomes clear. Hatch’s obsession with aliens and coke cans and angels is revived with this comment. It isn’t really about “dumbass questions” at all, but about “dumbass answers.” Hatch and Schumer had been having a discussion about pubic hair and underwear moments before, and Schumer had put forth the opinion that neither Jesus nor the Angel Moroni wore underwear. Hatch was thrown off by Schumer’s position, so messed up the quote.

If you’d like to know more about how to decode Orrin Hatch, just buy this CD of Hatch singing Christmas songs and play it backwards. I know you’ll need extra equipment to do it, and maybe a coke can with some pubic hair on it, but then you’d have some insight into the wonderful world of Senator Orrin Hatch.